Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Thankful, 11/20/13: Bits of Magic


This was put here with the hope that I would see it—a surprise, a gift:


These weren’t personal, but I got to see them on a morning run:

a sidewalk laced with slug trails, glittering all the way up a tough hill

another patch of sidewalk—bare, but due to some effect of light and wet, bearing the image of many fallen leaves—a tapestry.


I am thankful for how the ordinary is anything but.




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Monday, November 18, 2013

Thankful, 11/18/13: "Et incarnates est"


From Franz Josef Haydn’s Missa in Angustiis (The “Lord Nelson” Mass): “Et incarnates est” (He became incarnate) Please listen. 

God made flesh. Descending to earth, joining us here. The Unreachable, reaching out to us. This is hope and mercy and grace, this is light in the dark.

I am thankful for this, and for the earthly things that, in their own ways, speak of it.

Last week was especially busy, leading up to two performances over the weekend, both out of town. Youngest and Middle were sick, Oldest was preparing for a competition that was also out of town. I’ve been fighting illness, myself—again or still or whatever it is at this point. Our schedule seems on the brink of un-doable. And in general I feel like I am in a semi-constant state of failure, which means I’ve also been sort of a bear to be around.

In the midst of all this, music. Beautiful stuff that meets me wherever I am, stays with me, infuses everything.

The organ music that soaks into my bones, healing something deep within.

The pieces I am teaching my students, that—in the midst of antsy-ness and distraction and crumbs and glitter and runny noses—shift sometimes into glimmering moments of pure, focused music.

My own children’s singing—odd tunes at odd moments, an old song with new words: small windows, bits of levity.

And then the music I got to take part in, this whole last week, myself: Rimsky-Korsakov’s “Scheherazade”, Haydn’s “Lord Nelson” Mass, Finzi’s “In Terra Pax.” 

Could I do all the day-to-day stuff without this music that descends, reaches-in, transcends? My lungs have not felt right since April. The degree of not-right has varied greatly and I am actually quite good at ignoring it, but it wears, just the same. The busyness, the ever-present not-measuring-up—they wear, as well. When I am wrapped up in the music, and the music is wrapped around me, I do not even have to ignore—I can be beyond it completely.

I do not believe this is escape. I believe these are whispers of Et incarnates est, of Immanuel, God with us. The words have been mingling with the music all week.




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Friday, November 15, 2013

Thankful, 11/15/13: Just Right


Each day, for The Violin Project, I carry eight small violins to and from the primary school where we meet. Eight small violins, plus my own, plus—twice a week—either Youngest’s or Middle’s violin. Along with my purse, my teaching bag and my laptop, this is exactly the limit to what I can carry from the car into the school in one trip. It’s maybe a little crazy-looking, but it works.

I admit that I worried I would not have enough students to do this, or enough donations, and I never did recruit volunteers the way I intended to. Turns out, the numbers, size, pacing, and the people all turned out to be what they needed to be in order to get this project off the ground. That is such a comfort, and such an encouragement. And it’s just one example of what I’ve started to see around me over the years.

There is strength in this, I think, to trust the effort, the work, the journey. Strength to trust that what is supposed to happen will happen. Strength to keep showing up and pour into it all I’m able. Strength to maybe even relax a little and enjoy it. 




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Monday, November 11, 2013

Thankful, 11/11/13: Wonder



Can I say this without sounding sentimental and goofy, that my first impression was that I was looking at something wide-eyed and amazed? That’s what I saw: wonder first, a seed head second. The moment has stayed with me, and I’m glad.

Who’s to say wondrous things don’t look back at you sometimes in awe? 




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Sunday, November 10, 2013

Thankful, 11/10/13: Quiet

I get that these are The Busy Years. I know they will fly by. I try to be as present as possible as all of it overflows, crazy and beautiful and everything else, too.

But the quiet moments—those are especially beautiful. I crave them. Earlier this weekend I found myself staring out the kitchen sink window, completely absorbed in the feel of warm water running over my fingers. Yes it was a stolen moment, and that just added to the deliciousness of it. This is something I’ve done all my life—zone out, daydream, get lost in my own world—and I’ve always enjoyed it. What has changed is that the ability to do it feels a lot more like a gift than a quirk. 




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Thursday, November 7, 2013

Thankful, 11/7/13: Details

This:


and this:


and this:



The light and shadows and colors were extraordinary this morning. Every direction you looked, something beautiful, and yes it’s always like that really, but today was more so. The fact that this beauty goes deep—that you can go closer and closer in and the details never falter—amazes me over and over.

I will stay happily distracted by it all for ever and ever.




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Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Thankful, 11/6/13: Honey



“I’m sorry to hear that, Hon.” It took me by surprise, saying that to a child who was not my own. The words, though, came easily. I am thankful for that.

There was a time I couldn’t imagine being comfortable enough to use a term of endearment with anybody. It seemed so natural for some people. Surely it would sound fake, coming from me. And then there was a man who called me Dear. Later on, children, whose breaking-in to my life produced rivers—torrents—of special names. Even when they aren’t so sweet. Maybe especially because of the un-sweetness that marks some days, that laces through all of us.

Breathtaking, how a life can expand and contract, sometimes all at once.

And now, habit, and age, and expansion-and-contraction—and the words slip out, Honey, Sweetie, Love. I never would have believed I was the type, but it sounds different coming out than I thought it would. Not saccharine, not flowery. Simply recognition: You are precious. You are what I love, contained all in one spot. I refuse to forget.




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Monday, November 4, 2013

Thankful, 11/4/13: Less Lost than I Think



As in: the things I think are lost, or forgotten, or wasted, usually aren’t. Time, effort, whatever it was that slipped through your fingers today—they have this way of showing up later in beautiful-odd forms, never the way you’d expect.

And also as in: the times I think I am lost and turn off the road in a panic in order to find my way. Usually I just haven’t gone far enough. Usually the issue is not that I’m lost but that I am impatient. Or doubting myself. (Still. Again.)

Oh that relief, when I realize I was going the right way all along.





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Saturday, November 2, 2013

Thankful, 11/2: Salt


and everything else savory. The people who draw out your best, the happy surprises, the moments you replay over and over in your mind. All the things that leave you thirsting for more of that, please.




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Friday, November 1, 2013

Thankful, 11/1: Mask Optional

Yesterday I watched a friend’s three year-old son while she helped out at his older brother's class Halloween party. We laid down wooden train tracks in the living room, colored pictures, emptied jars of crayons onto the floor and sorted them. He presented me with the leaf he found in our yard and had been wearing, hidden, under his hat. I made him a mask, which he wore briefly. It didn’t fit right. Got in the way.

My favorite part about Halloween has always been the costumes. The chance to be anything or anybody for a few hours. All you need is the right disguise.

The problem is that the mask or the make-up, the costume, even the fake nails I put on in seventh grade—they never quite fit. The mask was sweaty, the eye-holes were in the wrong place. The makeup dried out and itched maddeningly. The costume was never warm enough for trick-or-treating. The fake nails made it impossible to pick up or do anything.

The only thing that ever fit right, that didn’t get in the way somehow, was my own face.

Such a relief always, to get back to it at the end of the night.

I’m thankful for the chance to try on different faces. I’m even more thankful for the way my own skin fits.




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