I spent the better half of yesterday afternoon reading, letting the laundry stay un-done, the dishwasher stay un-emptied, the new calendar I should be filling out stay not only un-filled-out but also not-yet-bought.
I keep thinking about resolutions, about the urge I have to make some sort of statement about the New Year. And really all I want to do is drag my feet. I want to hold on to Christmas a little while longer. I want to keep hold of that warm beauty that doesn’t last long enough before the calendar turns the corner into new-and-stark-and-cold. I want to not feel quite so keenly this sharpness of wanting.
If I could sum up last year, I would say it was about growing, and growing pains, and stepping ever farther out of my comfort zone, and connecting. It was in many ways a good year, and in many ways a hard one.
* * *
The yarn in that picture above used to be a sweater, one I knit a little over a year ago. I was proud of it, but it never quite fit me. Last week I unraveled the whole thing, winding it back into balls as I went. I hate tearing apart something I spent so many hours creating, but I know I will be happier with it when it is remade. I tell myself it is the same process I have to go through when learning a new piece on the violin: break it down, put it back together, break it down, put it back together. I can take comfort in the process, in the feel of the wool between my fingers, in the pleasure of seeing something grow right in my hands. In the end, the work will always be worth it. This, I believe, is how art becomes art.
* * *
I don’t have any shiny new resolutions this year. But I do feel resolve—mostly to keep going with the things I have started, maybe rework the things that don’t fit quite right. To learn how to love better. To continue reaching out and speaking up. To make decisions in spite of my fears instead of because of them. To lean into the hard stuff. Because even though doing those things feels clumsy and seems to involve more pain up front, I have found more blessings and more friendships—old and new—in the last two years than probably any other time in my life. And from that I don't think there is any looking back.
Happy New Year to you.
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