Showing posts with label fathers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fathers. Show all posts

Friday, February 2, 2018

Pasta with Squid Ink Sauce



Hours after moving our son into his dorm room at an arts boarding school a year and half ago, my husband and I sat down to one of the most delicious and memorable meals of my life. I was heartbroken and terrified--our boy was young and it felt way too early to have him away, despite the fact that he had initiated it and that after much soul-searching we were all convinced it was the right move for him. The dinner fixed nothing, but the sheer warm magnificence of it was something of a balm, the way light glitters off broken glass and reminds you that despite the shattering there is still beauty to witness. We ate wonderful things, including a pasta in squid ink sauce, which, despite a warning from our waitress, I ate without tucking a napkin into my shirt. I admit it, I fully believed I had learned to eat without dribbling. And I not only dribbled, I dropped a big piece of pasta right down the front of my shirt, and the black stain is never going to go away. I could not throw the shirt away, and I could not look at it for a long time, either, so I tucked it deep in my closet with all the other things I do not know how to deal with. Something in me remembers at times like this that I am a slow-simmerer. Finally the thought struck me that I could cover the stain even though I could not remove it, and I found tucked nearby one of the lovely vintage handkerchiefs I brought home from my grandmother's house after she died. And I sewed the two heartbreaks together, and it took a very long time, longer than I thought it should have, but look I have made a new beautiful thing and someday I will wear the people I love who I can no longer have close by. 




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Wednesday, February 22, 2017

From My Reading, 2/22/17


I started, but never finished, reading George Orwell's 1984 in high school. Eventually I will get back to it, but I am glad now that I read this first. 


From Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley:

"But why is it prohibited?" asked the Savage. In the excitement of meeting a man who had read Shakespeare he had momentarily forgotten everything else. 

The Controller shrugged his shoulders. "Because it's old; that's the chief reason. We haven't any use for old things here."

"Even when they're beautiful?"

"Particularly when they're beautiful. Beauty's attractive, and we don't want people to be attracted by old things. We want them to like the new ones."

A little later in the conversation, the Controller explains why none of the new things written can be like "Othello":

"Because our world is not the same as Othello's world. You can't make flivvers without steel--and you can't make tragedies without social instability. The world's stable now. People are happy; they get what they want, and they never want what they can't get. They're well off; they're safe; they're never ill; they're not afraid of death; they're blissfully ignorant of passion and old age; they're plagued with no mothers or fathers; they've got no wives, or children, or lovers to feel strongly about; they're so conditioned that they practically can't help behaving as they ought to behave. And if anything should go wrong, there's soma. Which you go and chuck out of the window in the name of liberty, Mr. Savage. Liberty!" He laughed. "Expecting Deltas to know what liberty is! And now expecting them to understand Othello! My good boy!"

The Savage was silent for a little. "All the same," he insisted obstinately, "Othello's good, Othello's better than those feelies."

"Of course it is," the Controller agreed. "But that's the price we have to pay for stability. You've got to choose between happiness and what people used to call high art. We've sacrificed the high art. We have the feelies and the scent organ instead."

"But they don't mean anything." 

"They mean themselves; they mean a lot of agreeable sensations to the audience."

"But they're...they're told by an idiot."

"The Controller laughed. "You're not being very polite to your friend, Mr. Watson. One of our most distinguished Emotional Engineers..."

"But he's right," said Helmholtz gloomily. "Because it is idiotic. Writing when there's nothing to say..."

"Precisely. But that requires the most enormous ingenuity. You're making flivvers out of the absolute minimum of steel--works of art out of practically nothing but pure sensation."

The Savage shook his head. "It all seems to me quite horrible."

"Of course it does. Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand."

*     *     *

More and more I find myself wondering what we are buying, and buying into. How normal it seems in this corner of the world to expect and demand comfort and ease. How natural it seems to be to allow oneself to behave and be treated as first and foremost a consumer. How often I hear people confusing education with job-training. Does it raise a fight in you, the way it does me?

*     *     *

My other offering today, something old and beautiful. Spent, I suppose. But look:






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Thursday, July 7, 2016

"That Hard Passage," ASJ

Last fall my friend Sarah asked me to share what I had carried with me into adulthood from my childhood Suzuki training. There are many things--part of what I love about teaching is that it keeps showing me more about not only my own musical training, but my whole upbringing, deeply informed as it was by Shinichi Suzuki's teachings and philosophies. But this answer, what I am starting to think of as the discipline of beauty, is the one closest to my heart. I think it transcends the Suzuki philosophy, actually, to all of music and art, but this is where I encountered it in my own life. I am thankful to the American Suzuki Journal for giving me the chance to share my essay, "That Hard Passage," with a larger audience, both in their most recent volume (44.3) and here on their website.




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Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Recently--Spring 2016








Music and dance and field trips and State Solo and Ensemble contest and recitals and concerts! And plans for the summer and plans for next year. It is hard to even think straight, this time of year, but somehow we always make it to summer. In between, especially as the kids get older, are conversations about music and art and justice and politics and kindness. Oldest shares what he is listening to. Middle, even if she is sleeping over at a friend's house and her phone is dead, will make sure I know the moon is rising outside, full and magical. Youngest shares her art and her passion and her compassion. Husband brings home mystery snails and we delight in them, some of us maybe wishing we could move through the world the way they do. And there are small treasures to find outside as the world warms and greens: seeds and sprouts, fireflies, the sound of frogs, the scent of lilacs and honeysuckle.


Monday, February 15, 2016

Found, 2/15/16

The plan is to spend the season of Lent looking for signs of the Divine in the world around me, and to share what I find.






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Thursday, November 19, 2015

Thankful, 11/19/15:


(high school musical edition) 
For the moment before the curtain rises. For the continual awe of parenthood.





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Saturday, April 4, 2015

Found, Day 46

My parents found each other so quickly
7 weeks from meeting to married
and over Winter Break at that—
that there was confusion afterwards.
When my mother wrote her new name on the
chalkboard for the Freshman Comp class
the students wanted to know
what happened to the teacher listed in the catalog.
“She got married,” was the reply,
and when they thought that was too bad
she told them “Not at all—it’s me!”
A friend who hadn’t seen my father
for a while wanted to set him up:
“There’s this girl you have to meet.
You would like her a lot.”
“That’s funny,” Dad replied
after hearing her name,
“I married her last week.”
And sometimes this is proof to me
that there’s no such thing as a wrong turn—
that no matter which direction you choose
you will find yourself
in the right place for your story.




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Thursday, March 26, 2015

Found, Day 37



They file out onto the risers, settle into their spots, and immediately search the audience for their people. That is the most important moment of the night, you know—when she finds you in the crowd, and waves and waves, and smiles and smiles. The second most important moment is every other time that she finds you, locks eyes, smiles like she’ll never stop.




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Sunday, December 21, 2014

Light: 12/21/14


Today in Urgent Care I had a little bit of a rant: “It was January 2 years ago that I started getting sick all the time, and it’s been one thing after another ever since. I’m so fed up!”

To which Husband answered, “Ooooh, now all the germs are so scared! Every single-cell organism in the room just shuddered.”

It was worth a good belly laugh.

It has been a good day for levity. As in: we’ve had some good laughs today, and also: we needed some good laughs today.

I have felt good for one week since the most recent sinus/bronchial infection. Now I have shingles. Add the last 2+ months of kid’s illnesses, add all the hours of sitting in or driving to and from doctor’s offices with them, add the stupid asthma that four of us have, and the medicine that helps us breathe that costs twice as much this year as it did last year, add that while the pet mouse has been slowly gruesomely dying of cancer the pet hamster and pet fish died unexpectedly. Things could certainly be worse. But I’m really, really tired of acting like I’m patient.

I can’t say we laughed light-heartedly but we laughed a lot, and shot-through with all kinds of light. That is a levity I can trust , close to perfection.





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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Maybe



Maybe you are a dreamer, but you get tired sometimes. You fight discouragement. And you dream, yes, and you Do, as well, but your hands feel so busy weaving together dream and reality…

And when they come to you, saying, We want to plant a garden! We want to grow vegetables! you remember when you had this dream of working the ground and pulling nourishment from the earth, plucking goodness from green stems. (They were going to help, but they did not. You were the Little Red Hen, out there alone planting, pulling weeds, and in the end watching your work, your beautiful plants, disappear bit by bit, eaten by deer and rabbits. You enjoyed your bounty alone, not that you didn’t try to share: 7 cherry tomatoes, 3 lemon cucumbers, 2 pumpkins. In the end you decided you had more important dreams to attend to.)

So they come to you with this dream and you remind them of yours and how it turned out. You give them your blessing but tell them they’re on their own for this one. You will focus on other dreams.

And they plant their garden, and not the way you would have done it.

And it grows.

Somehow this crazy, barely-planned, not-how-you-would-do-it garden does beautiful wild things, despite the rabbits. The plants bring forth jewels, and regularly you are called outside to admire their progress. Sometimes you go and check all on your own. You start to dream of all the things you can make with what they’ve grown, of all the goodness you can sit and eat together.

One day they bring in the largest zucchini you have ever seen and ask you to make zucchini bread. You would love to. You might even throw in chocolate chips.

They wait almost patiently when the bread is in the oven, even though it is late for breakfast. The kitchen on this cool summer day grows full and heavy with the scent of it, and you pull out heavy hot loaves, nutty brown flecked with green. It is good. You eat slowly.

It turns out you do not have to do all the dreaming.

Even so there is weaving to do, and now your hands feel rested.




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Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Found: Angel Chime Thingy

Husband and I have committed the last two weeks before school gets out to going-through, straightening-up, purging the house of Stuff. I have been anticipating and dreading this time ever since we decided to do it. There’s too much of it in the house, this Stuff, and it is part junk, part treasure. Deciding which is a big job I would kind of like to continue avoiding. I am sustaining myself with fantasies of Order, and some kind of clean efficient spareness that is probably impossible, considering the five of us seem to be part hobbit. I also promised myself  a new project: sharing some of what I find here on the blog.


Our family seems to have created a new Christmas tradition. Every year, after we box up all the decorations, we find something we forgot. And sometimes instead of just putting the thing away somebody (like me) decides to put it someplace safe, instead, where we will be sure to find it when we need it next year.

Maybe you know that this tactic doesn’t work well.

One year it was the golden needle-like part from the angel chimes we received as a wedding present, the part on which the fan was supposed to balance and spin. For several years now when we get out the chimes for Christmas we discover we are missing the most important part. Every year I remember that I looked for it the year before, only to find it after Christmas was over, after everything was put away again. And every year Husband sticks a toothpick into the chimes to replace the lost part, and we hope we’ll find the real part before we put everything away again.

Now you need to know that there are a few things from my childhood that define Christmas for me: snow, a specific Vienna Boys’ Choir record, my dad’s socks for stockings as well as his dramatic reading of "The Night Before Christmas," lefse (with butter and lots of sugar, please,) angel chimes. Losing track of that one part bothers me, even though it would be easy enough to replace, even though I hardly think of it the rest of the year. That little tinkling sound is almost as important as the tree.

It took me a while to find the missing part this year. About five months, it turns out, but this week I found it. And tonight I went down to the basement and put it away. Next Christmas the angel chimes will be whole again.

This practice of putting things in their place, making things whole—it is good. 




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Friday, May 2, 2014

In Concert

At our last class before the concert, I made them a promise:

No matter how calm I look when we’re up there on stage, I will be nervous too. I’ve been doing this almost my whole life, and I still get nervous. But we’ll all be there helping each other, and it’s going to be great.

I did not tell them that I’ve been nervous for months.

My violin students—Violin Project and private students—were invited to play with the local community string orchestra back in January. I looked at the music and said yes, I think we can make that work, knowing it would be a stretch. Knowing this was new territory for all of us. We had time, and we got to work right away. I believed that together we could rise to the occasion.

But I was nervous. Afraid of letting people (my students, their families, the conductor, the orchestra) down. 

One month before the concert, I was quite nervous. We had been working hard, yes. But we had a lot of leaps to make.  The second violin part didn’t always make sense to a group of kids who had always played melody, and the form was more complex than they had ever encountered. This is not such a big deal if you can just follow what’s on the page in front of you, but to a pre-reader it matters. Memorizing something you would probably never hum to yourself is not a simple task.

The third violinists had their part down quickly, but they had to be able to hold their own rhythmically, and again—not easy. Not playing on down beats when everybody else is playing, not being swayed by the four other parts around you but listening to and sticking with your own part: that is sophisticated stuff for a beginner.

The first violinists—they had a lot of notes to learn. And life is busy, and so many important things want to get in the way. I knew they could do it, but I was concerned about their confidence.

The week of the concert, however, things came together. I started to relax. I got excited. I was thankful for how good everything sounded. 

Then the day of the concert: I taught my regular lessons, picked up my kids at their grandparents’ house. We ate half our dinner in the car on the way home. At home with a few minutes’ turn-around time everybody had a job: Oldest, help set the table, Middle, change clothes, Youngest, go back out to the car and bring your backpack and jacket inside.

A few minutes later, crying. Youngest back inside with her hand to her head. Blood. And then she moved her hand away and I yelled, I couldn’t help it, because Oh-God-she’s-really-hurt.

Somehow what felt like one hundred decisions were made in an instant. Call Husband. Call Friend who will be at the concert. Do not let on to Youngest that she needs stitches until you absolutely have to if you want her to stay calm. You do not have to be at the concert. Your students can do this without you. Somehow I got Middle and Oldest to the concert location along with the stack of violins I had brought home with me “to make sure they all make it safely to the concert tonight.” Somehow I drove to Urgent Care answering Youngest’s questions as calmly as I could, even though every few seconds I had to clench the steering wheel hard. The image of her wound, my bleeding hurt child, flashed fresh in my mind over and over. Over and over I glanced at her face—pale, eyes half-shut—in the rearview mirror. Clench. Release. Clench. Release.

Clench.

Somehow everything worked out.

At Urgent Care: help. The nurse’s eyes looking at me over Youngest’s head after peeking under the gauze, the whole wordless conversation that passed between us. Oh, Honey. Yes. She needs stitches. I knew right away. Oh this girl, she fell really hard. She did, didn’t she? Husband arriving sooner than seemed possible. Youngest, scared and brave, fighting the stitches, still managing to be all at once sassy and funny with the nurses. Her confession to me with deep serious eyes: “I thought maybe I just wouldn’t tell you I fell. But then I thought maybe I should.” Her forehead mended, bandaged. Her arm sore, but not broken.

All the fear and worry that went into this concert—

They moved everything around on the program, and announced from the stage that the orchestra would just keep playing until I arrived to lead my students in their part of the program. Husband took Youngest for ice cream. I arrived at the church where we were playing and my students, a good number of them up past their bedtime at this point, were sitting in their designated seats, listening to the concert. Everybody behaving like angels, as far as I could see. Questioning looks. "She's okay," I told them. "She's going to be okay." We got up and played and I had moved far beyond nervous to shaken and dazed, but even so I could tell how well everything went. 

I am so thankful for all these people—family, students, friends. We were there for each other. I made it there for them. And they were there for me. For Youngest. For each other.

There is this thankfulness, too: I do not understand how Calm can be there in the middle of Fear and Worry, but it was—the whole time. I felt it there the same way I have felt it each time the world threatens to unravel, like the skin that holds my body together when everything beneath it feels shattered. Like that place deep withinat the center, maybe, of my heartthat remains solid and still when everything else is whirling.

And finally there is this, the deepest thankfulness: The day of this concert, there wasn’t room for much more. The day was tightly-scheduled, and there wasn’t room for more than just getting to the concert and playing it, everybody doing their best. I knew it would be great, and enough. And I almost always have a plan like that. The thing is, even when I think it’s a big, grand, wide-open plan that stretches me it ends up being a tight little thing. So when a Hand reaches down and breaks the whole thing wide open, I am shaken, and thankful. Because for a moment I see it all—larger, wider, and more beautiful than I thought it could be. Or than I would have allowed.

Release.







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Saturday, January 11, 2014

Heat Signature




“Mom, look!”

Oldest had a projector set up in the dining room, shining across the table onto the drawn window shades. He had lit candles for dinner, a new small joy he’s brought into our lives recently, and their shadow—

“Look at the flames!”

“I know. That’s a heat signature. I learned about it on Doctor Who.” He started describing the episode.

I looked it up, and I’m not sure that’s exactly what we saw. However, the way my mind works, that’s okay. I learned something true.

First, the candles—their shadow showed something different. We could see their heat rising, rippling into the air. We saw how the flame took up more space—different space—as a shadow than it did as a flame. In your mind you can put flame and shadow together but you still don’t have the whole story.

Second—the idea of heat having a signature. Something that can be left behind, that identifies it's source, even. And of course, the physical side is only the beginning of it.

*     *     *

I’ve been thinking about what people leave behind. The better and longer you have known someone the more complex their signature. But a single sentence or look or gesture, left even by people who are maybe just passing through, can carve a signature deep into the soul, as well. 

“I always used to watch your thighs jiggle in dance class.”

“We! Hate! You!”

“When I had young children I did not bring them to the grocery store.”

The once-overs that said, “What are you doing here?” and “I just wrote you off.”

“He thinks you do drugs. You’re always staring off into space.”

“Well we decided we were going to let God decide how many children we have.”

“Well. You should try harder.

But also:

“You said our relationship could be about more than just joking around and you were right.”

“If you play as beautifully as you look I would love to hear you someday.” (This is especially powerful spoken by a famous violin teacher to a 13 year-old who does not feel beautiful.)

“You’re right. I made assumptions about who you were, and I shouldn’t have.”

You matter, too.”

“We’re so proud of you.”

“You were scared? Why didn’t you tell me? I thought you were just really, really brave!”

“I feel like I can talk to you about this.”

*     *     *

It strikes me that we don’t always have control over the signature, what we leave or what we carry with us. That whether it is good or bad or confusing, it continues to burn. That we can’t be certain what kind of trail we’ve left behind us.

It also strikes me that the signatures that burn warmest come mostly from people who are still a part of my life. That my handwritten signature looks the way it does partly because of decisions I made about how I wanted it to look. That I've seen a few small strokes change the entire picture, and that a true artist is always looking for ways to improve her craft.

And if you think that you somehow don’t matter, that you are not constantly touching others, you simply have no idea.





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Saturday, December 7, 2013

Light, 12/7/13: Nightlight


Youngest informed us a few months ago that she would not feel safe unless she could sleep with her nightlight. Recently, she has made sure it is plugged in and charging before we begin our before-bed reading, so that she can bring it to bed with her like a stuffed animal. (It is, in fact, the closest thing to a stuffed animal I can remember her bringing to bed. From an early age she spurned all furry things offered to her at night and demanded a book. Or twelve. But that’s maybe another story.) Her nightlight is a special light—a Christmas gift from Oldest one year. It has personality. It glows red. And you can bring it to bed with you.
 
The idea grips me—the possibility of taking light to bed with you. I have not forgotten the difference one dim bulb can make in a dark room, the way it softens the edges of night, melts away the threat of the unfamiliar, of danger. How much better if you can hold that light in your hands.
 
I don’t know if it’s my imagination, but it has always seemed to me that my children sleep in character. Oldest sleeps calm and wise and sweet. Middle sleeps noble and graceful with a quiet, dramatic streak. Youngest sleeps warm and intense, often with her head thrown back. If we hear footsteps in the hall at night it is usually her, and it’s hard to predict where she will end up. A few nights ago Husband and I were slow to investigate the sounds coming from upstairs, but it didn’t matter, soon she came down to us—charged past us and around the dining room table to the spot where she eats, sat down, laid her head in her arms on the table and closed her eyes.
 
Sometimes her light travels with her during the night. I woke up one recent morning to evidence of one of her visits.
 
Many nights she comes to our bed. Sometimes because of a bad dream, although she usually will not talk about it because she does not want to frighten me. It is enough to be held close for a while. We both drift off, and at some point I am awakened by the pain in my arm, stretched immobile under her head. I ease her out of bed. “It’s time to go to your own bed.” I guide her to her room, into her bed, help pull up the covers as she lies down. I pray—thankfulness for her sweet, warm, spirited self, for our family, for the goodness in our lives; I pray for peaceful sleep, for rest in general.
 
“Good night, sweet girl. I love you.”
 
“Mommy, give me something to think about.”
 
When she is alone again in bed the bad dreams threaten to return. I have told her in the past that she needs to fill her head with other things—so wonderful there is no room for the bad dreams. I conjure up something—a chocolate-filled swimming pool, a field full of flowers-that-are-actually-jewels. I don’t always remember, later, the things I come up with. What I do remember is that always, in the middle of the night, I resolve to love better. The resolution comes simply, but I ache with it. It is light around me, around us all. Everything else melts away.




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Thursday, November 28, 2013

Thankful, 11/28/13: Sharing



We traveled today, our family. Shared cross words (and some thrown elbows and one shove,) and also hugs. And snacks. Husband shared the Great Courses CD he’s been listening to—“The Symphonies of Beethoven.” Youngest wanted to borrow my iPod and asked me to choose the music for her. She wanted “classical” and “fast,” and I shared the last movement of Sibelius’ Symphony No. 2. Twice we heard a quiet Oh! from the back seat while she listened. Oldest shared some of his music with me, as well as things that make him laugh. We will share his asthma medicine while we’re away from home, since mine didn’t make it into the car. Youngest shared the first glimpse of sunset with everybody. Husband and Middle shared goofy haiku, taking turns writing lines (they also share a particular sense of humor.) We all took turns sharing sightings of birds—bald eagles, red-tailed hawks, Canada geese. Middle pointed out how a swath of wind turbines all blinked their lights at exactly the same time, and then she shared with us the non-goofy haiku she wrote about it.

My parents shared their table with us when we arrived, we brought cranberry sauce and toffee and wine. We ate and talked and ate and talked. Over the years we have shared many words, much laughter, many tears, much love—we have each been the cause and the recipient of each of those things. I believe, in the end, the love will be remembered above the rest. I do not believe any of us forgot to be thankful.

 
 
 
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Sunday, March 31, 2013

...And Today, Words


Because there is so much I want to tell you:

...about how much I love Youngest’s purple boots, and wish I had a pair just like them. (Day 44)

...about the words the older sister spells out in Duplo blocks every week during her brother’s violin lesson, and how the word-of-the-week has become something all my students look forward to, and wonder about. (Day 3)

...about how that dried rose is beautiful, yes, but the best thing about it is that it is a birthday rose from my dad—one of many sent or given every year for as long as I can remember. (Day 31)

...about how I didn’t discover it until after I took the picture, but that heart-shaped hole in the leaf—that one’s from me, and I made Middle proud, finding it. (Day 11)

...about how many days out of the last 46 I did not know what I would share with you ahead of time, and how daily it was an act of faith and instinct to trust it was there, and find it. (Most days.)

...about how many days out of the last 46 I took comfort in finding something that spoke to me—about beauty, or what I loved, or how the extraordinary is always there just waiting to be found. (Every day.)

...about how I wish I could share with you the smells of Easter dinner cooking this afternoon, and how much I enjoy filling a place with the aroma of that sort of work.

...about how it staggers me, that cooking produces not only food but rich scents and tender bubbly sounds and warmth—how lavish is that? And how lavish is it that frost, such a small little fact in this vast world, should be so breathtakingly intricate, or that ice cubes, half-melted and refrozen in a take-out cup, are beautiful enough to become a precious jewel in the eyes of a 6 year-old? And in the eyes of her mother, too?

I wanted to explain every picture.

But maybe you saw other things. Sometimes that's where the magic happens.

The silence felt strenuous at times, but I was glad for this project. Thanks for listening a little differently through these last few weeks.

Happy Easter, friends.





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Thursday, January 31, 2013

My Life, My Art: Mark Bjork

When I was a graduate student I liked to walk through the streets of Evanston, admiring the beautiful old houses and daydreaming of filling my own beautiful old house someday—not only with family but as often as possible with friends and guests—artists and musicians and writers, creators and thinkers and dreamers. I wanted to make a place where all these people could gather and talk, share and inspire and challenge each other. As it happens, my beautiful old house is far from any big city or cultural center and my friends are scattered all over the place. I don’t have friends over nearly as often as I’d like, and I’m no Gertrude Stein, anyway. But I have been blessed to know some really amazing people, and as I hear their stories and see what they are doing with their lives I still want to share their lives and their art with each other. It struck me that this blog, which is sort of a gathering-place for the things close to my heart anyway, could maybe also serve as a meeting-place.


Today I want you to meet my dad. He was my first violin teacher, patiently guiding me from my beginning lessons on standing still until I went away to college, with the exception of two years around middle school that I studied with someone else. (Now that I have two children near that age, myself, I understand even better why. He is a wise man.) He is the person who taught me how to practice, which is not quite the same as playing an instrument, although the two skills are quite powerful if you use them together. He was the person to suggest that, just maybe, I might enjoy becoming a teacher myself, and he was my first Suzuki teacher trainer. He is still the first person I go to about violin, about teaching, about practicing, and he knows a lot of other stuff, besides. More importantly to the rest of the world, he is a leader in the field of Suzuki Talent Education. He started one of the first Suzuki programs in this country, at MacPhail Center for the Arts in 1967, and has taught at workshops, masterclasses, and clinics all over the world. A graduate of Indiana University, where he studied violin with Josef Gingold and chamber music with David Dawson, Harry Farbman, and Janos Starker, he is currently Professor of Violin and Pedagogy at the University of Minnesota School of Music. He is also the author of the book, Expanding Horizons: The Suzuki-Trained Violinist Grows Up.


*       *       *


There is a story that you tell about getting in trouble in your Kindergarten class that I love, because it’s telling in a lot of ways.

Okay, we were singing something and another boy and I, whose father was the conductor of the college orchestra—he and I decided that we would sing harmony parts. The teacher didn’t appreciate it, and when the report cards came, mine said that “improvement was needed in music.”

What was your parents’ response to that?

They laughed! I had already been playing violin for about a year, and I could read music a bit…

How did you end up starting violin, especially before you started Kindergarten—how did that come about?

I had been begging to for [a long time.] I was fascinated by instruments, and I wanted to play—it didn’t matter which one. It varied from week to week whether it was the cello, or the bassoon, or the timpani, or whatever, and I tried to make these instruments. I was very frustrated. Either [the instrument] immediately fell apart or of course it didn’t make a sound. Except for possibly the timpani that I made out of two halves of coconut shells and waxed paper. They probably made a little bit of sound.

So anyway, my mother was a pianist and a teacher, but she didn’t want to try to teach me—she had heard too many horror stories about that sort of thing—and she contacted a colleague who taught at the other college in town, who said there was a young woman they had just hired on the faculty, a violinist, who was very interested in teaching young students.

I’ve heard you say that your lessons were like Suzuki violin lessons, before those existed in this country. What were your lessons like?

Well, the reason for saying that—and [my first violin teacher] actually was the one who said that, many years later—but she had some unusual ideas. She wanted me to come twice a week for lessons. She insisted that my mother come along, and practice with me at home. And she felt that there didn’t need to be very much emphasis on note-reading at that time, although there was some at the very beginning. I attended studio class with her college students, and listened to them play, and played myself, some. Also she felt that she delayed the use of a lot of scales and etudes, although I did play some scales early on, some three-octave scales.

Wow! Early on?

Quite early on. She had assigned me to play one octave and I came back to lesson and said “Look what I can do! I can play more than that!” and I went up a couple more octaves. And she laughed and proceeded to correct my fingering.

When did you first encounter Shinichi Suzuki and his ideas?

Well the first thing that I saw—I was probably in junior high—was a clipping out of a magazine with a picture of 300 children in Tokyo playing at Suzuki’s annual concert. There was a little paragraph with it: “Japanese educator teaches violin by sending home recordings with students and then teaching them 300 at a time in a stadium.” Of course that information was not completely correct, but I remember seeing that and thinking, “Well, that’s ridiculous.”

But then I had a friend in college who was a family friend of John Kendall—one of the real pioneers in the United States, the first person to go to Japan and watch Suzuki teach. And this fellow, when he did his student teaching he worked with some students using the Suzuki approach. At the end of his time his supervising teacher suggested that he bring some of these students back to campus and have a forum. And it was rather amazing, because they had good posture, good positions, they had a good sound, they played in tune, and they played pieces that were recognizable, which wasn’t always the case with beginning string students out of public school classes. So that was the first thing.

The next thing happened when I was a graduate student. The orchestra conductor approached me and told me that Suzuki, who had been touring in this country, had brought a group of students to give a performance at a workshop at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb, and he knew that some students were going and perhaps I would like to go and see that. We got up and left about 3 or 4 in the morning in order to get to DeKalb, and came back, probably 3 or 4 or 5 the next morning. That was an opportunity both to hear spectacular students perform, and also to hear Suzuki talk about his approach. The results were so different from anything that we’d seen in this country. I was so moved by it that I had to learn something about it. That’s how all of this started.

And that was what year?

That was in ’66.

How did you go about learning more at that point?

Well, it was very difficult. I read everything I could find. Then I attended an extensive workshop with Bill Star at UW-Madison. Star had been in Japan for I think about 15 months, and he had made a large number of video tapes. Many of these were used in the workshop but later that evolved. That fall I went to Knoxville, and in one week watched something like 80 hours of video tapes. And that was a lot of my training. I made very extensive notes. He had video tapes of individual lessons, group lessons, concerts, interviews with Suzuki going through the curriculum, particularly in the first four books, about what he wanted [the students] to achieve, why what was there was there …this was an incredible amount of information.

Then when the summer institute [American Suzuki Institute] started in 1971, there was a huge change. It brought all these teachers there [together], and they made contact with each other, had lots of late night phone calls and this kind of thing to find out what people were doing, and what worked and what didn’t. Very, very free exchange. Very little printed material available at that time.

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My father was already teaching in a public school when he encountered the Suzuki Method, but soon afterward he accepted a position at MacPhail Center for the Arts, where he started a Suzuki program. He essentially built the program at the same time he was learning about the Method, as were his colleagues around the country.

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You went to Japan to observe Suzuki teaching. What was that like?

It was fascinating. I went in the fall of ’73, and I was there from the beginning of September into December. And during that time, basically, I sat beside Mr. Suzuki, seven days a week, and watched all of his teaching. I also watched other teachers, and made some trips to other areas to watch.

His teaching was done like a European master class. They would all sit and listen to each others’ lessons, which is the way he thought all children should be taught. Then there were frequent concerts for visiting people, graduation recitals that trainees played in and so forth. A very, very rich kind of experience.

I was accepted as a visiting teacher rather than a trainee, because I had been teaching for a number of years. But they also enrolled me as a student. So at the end of the day when Suzuki would finish teaching, or if there was a little bit of a lull, he’d say, “Get your violin,” and then I would have a little lesson. [These lessons] always related to tone production—I was usually playing “Twinkle” or one of his fairly early pieces. He liked the fact that I was willing to work on these things—on the very, very fundamentals of tone production.

He did occasionally say, “Now play something else.” One day he said, “Now play the opening of the Tchaikovsky concerto,” which I really didn’t know very well, but I thought, “Well, okay, let’s see what happens.” So I started out, and played, I don’t know, part of the opening section, and then he stopped me and had something to say, and I breathed a heavy sigh of relief. I didn’t have time to practice, really, on my own at that time, so there was no preparation, and he never said in advance, “Prepare this for next time.” It was always whatever he happened to be thinking about.

Also at those times he would often say, “Now do you have any questions?” which was wonderful because having taught for a number of years using his approach by that time, I certainly did have questions. I always had questions, and I had a rather unique opportunity to bring up some things and hear what he had to say. Which was, you know, rather amazing, because this kind of thing didn’t happen very often, for example, in the workshops he did visiting in the U.S.—it wasn’t really an opportunity to do that, and culturally it was not considered something you did, because you would seem to be questioning the teacher’s authority or else showing your own stupidity. It was a very special relationship we had where I was able to do this. It was comfortable for both of us.

[Student] lessons were very short. First of all he always worked with them on tone production, no matter how advanced they were. And then he would say, “Okay, now something for you,” and they would play whatever they were studying, as much as they had memorized, and then stop. He would say one thing. He would choose one thing, always something very integral to their playing. This is where real amazing skill—perception—in his teaching showed up. He would talk about this [one thing], he would make sure they understood what he wanted them to do. And then that was the end of the lesson. So [lessons] would be, perhaps, fifteen, twenty minutes long. But they were very intense.

So, since then you’ve seen many things, I’m sure—in your students’ lives, and their families’ lives, and your life. I’m sure it’s hard to pin down one thing, but what have you seen happen? You must have seen people’s minds change about what their children can do.

Oh, yes. In many, many cases I’ve seen that. It sort of goes with the territory. Many lives have been changed. Standards of playing have gone way, way up. The thing is, is that as a program develops someplace, and you get an environment going so that the new students coming in—and the parents—can see what can happen, the whole thing builds. Typically the quality goes up and up, as well as the accomplishments of students at younger and younger ages.

When we started out, one of the huge questions or thoughts was that this perhaps would not work in our society, with the American family. Of course it’s based on the Mother Tongue Method [based on Suzuki’s observation that children naturally learn to speak their parents’ language proficiently at a very young level, and are capable of learning to play an instrument in much the same way]; it’s based on basic human similarities. Also, the fact that parents are interested in educating their children—this is not limited to any one culture. I think it came at the right time in our society because there was a growing interest on the part of parents for being involved in their children’s lives, which was not perhaps quite the same, earlier.

And so, you’ve devoted 40+ years to this. At this point you’re teaching college students, but you’re still doing teacher training, and very much involved with the Method, and this has been a huge part of your life. At the core, is it possible to say what this means to you?

Well, you know, it comes out of a number of things—love for music, a love for violin, a love for teaching, a love for children. Or students. I wouldn’t just say children. Someone said many years ago that one of the qualifications one had to have to do this was a passion and love for children. But it isn’t only children, because they grow up. And that to me is very, very important. Yes, I love working with children. But I also love working with them as they grow up. Having taught kids from 2 ½ year-olds to doctoral performance majors—the whole thing is very important. Seeing these individuals, at whatever age they are, grow and develop and learn—that’s where the real excitement comes.

I’ve heard you say many times about many different students, “Oh, she’s a really neat kid,” or “He’s a really neat person.” It strikes me that each one of them is that way to you as you get to know them.

Yeah, that’s very true. It has been amazing to get to know these people. And their parents!

Yes, I’m sure!

But it’s about the students, as far as I’m concerned.




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